Ah… Misogyny Man. You come in your many glorious forms…
This Adventure occurred last year, which I wrote about when it occurred but since some of you have been asking for new published Adventures of Misogyny Man, I am throwing this one out there for your enjoyment.
Act One, Scene One.
Me, stopping at my local gas station around the corner from my house, around 10:30pm. I know the folks who work here, it’s my neighborhood quikstop. So, I pull up to the air compressor to top off a slow leak tire with a faulty valve stem. I gotta do this around once a week to keep the tire topped off until I can score a new set of tires. The compressor isn’t located in the greatest spot for convenience on the parking lot but people can get around you for the most part. It’s a little tight but the rest of the lot is kind of one way in and out and if you come in through the out-door, like a moron, it can cause a back up if someone is using the air hose…. So, I pull up to the compressor, get out and have been struggling to get air into my faulty tire for about half a minute, when the following occurs;
Me: (filling up tire and fighting the leaking stem valve)
Dick in a BMW: (pulls in-thru-the-out-door and finds he can’t fit his huge ass SUV through the space between me and the gas pump…pulls up on me anyway)
Me: (glancing up to see why the lights are in my face and keep pumping air)
Dick in a BMW: (inches up on Me)
Me: Muttering under my breath) “Sorry boutcher fuckin’ luck Asshole, I was here first”
Dick in a BMW: (inches closer, now less than 18 inches from my head, which is bent over, hair in my face, as I struggle with the hose and valve. He is also not even a foot from the side of my car)
Me: (stopping WTF I am doing and standing straight up in a Doc Holiday pose, arms out to the side and feet together and say aloud,) “What the ACTUAL fuck, dude?!!?” and then kneeling back down to finish fighting the Gods-damned Piece of Shit air valve.
Dick of the Month in a BMW: inches yet closer and then starts to back up to go around me)
Me: (successful with the infernal machine, rising to walk the hose back around the car, giving Dumbfuck a ‘WTF’ stinkeye)
Dumbfuckering Dick of the Month in a BMW: (stops reversing and puts the car back in drive to inch forward again)
Now mind you, I am facing his vehicle, since I pulled into the lot correctly in the nearly one-way lot, so I need to pull forward to get out, as I cannot back up due to cars behind me. Think about it, take your time…
Me: (murder-joy smile as I slowly take my time finding my keys, unlocking the door and sitting down, leaving my door open ever so much longer than necessary, shutting the door and starting the car, adjust my mirrors and place my hands on the wheel)
Dick in a BMW: (mouthing something unintelligible and gives me Fuckface as he is forced to back up)
Me: (swinging my car around him and around the lot to park directly in front of him in the handicapped parking spot in front of the store and with great flourish, take out my placard and hang it on the mirror, get out and walk into the store)
As I walk in, he rolls his window down and I hear him muttering and he’s glaring at me. He’s an older dude, white AF and tries to intimidate me by an actual stare down…(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Me: (making solid eye contact and say loudly with a shrug) “Dick in a BMW, maaaaan.”
The girl in the Subaru next to him laughs out loud.
I continue into the store and make my merry way around, grabbing a coconut water, lingering at the candy isle, debate as to ‘do I or do I not want pistachios?’ and pay my tab, get back in my car, which is blocking his exit now that his gas has been pumped.
(this is because he pulled in the wrong way and the handicapped spot blocks egress from that particular set of pumps if you pull in-thru-the-out-door, particularly when there is a line at the other pump) ::smirk::
The gas jock rolls his eyes at me, gives a head nod towards the Dick of the Month, turns back to me and grins.
I smile, shrug and start the car, backing up right to his bumper with my backup camera and pull out with a wave and a toodleloo of the fingers. He looks like he might have broken his steering wheel by gripping it so hard.
It truly is The Little Things…
End Act One, Scene One.
Now, I have been accused of being an Asshole from time to time. And don’t get me wrong, I certainly can and WILL be if, you know, shit happens but I will absolutely be a Supreme Asshole Grade A Fucker if you are SO deserving of the Shitstorm of Hellfire that only Yours Truly can produce. And if you come across as an entitled shitstain, I will gladly attempt to wipe the floor with you and your bullshit.
So far, I feel like… Winning. Because it is The Little Things man.